born tired

traineto:

1) Teammates are not to be used for target practice. Even if they did, say, put embarrassing footage of you on the internet.

2) We are not to hack into laptops, private servers, public servers, security footage, or any database to find blackmail material that would lead to the first ^. Even if it was “way too easy.”

3) We do not trick Steve into thinking that technology is watching him.

4) Except in Tony’s house where it most definitely is.

5) Appliances are not to be turned into robots because “someone” was bored.

6) We do not get Bruce to Hulk-out to make mundane tasks easier.

7) Sweeping broken appliances or antiques under the mansion rugs does not count as cleaning up after a supervillain attack.

8) We do not set-up our teammates with supervillains in elaborate matchmaking schemes.

9) The SHIELD secure lines are not for prank calling Dr. Doom, the Mandarin, Red Skull, or any other supervillain.

10) Nor are they for phone sex.

11) “Sex Pollen” is not to be used an excuse to go at it in public.

12) A certain billionaire genius is not to try to copyright the names “Captain America,” “Steve Rogers,” or “The Star-Spangled Man” just because he wants the world to know that “he owns that ass.”

13) Tony is not a flashlight, nightlight, lamp, or strobe light.

14) We do not try to strap him to the ceiling as a conversation piece at parties.

15) Coffee is not a substitute for meals.

16) Even if he’s being bitchy, we are not allowed to replace Tony’s coffee with motor oil.

17) Debriefings are not team orgies. Do not tell lower ranking officers or the media that they are.

18) We are not allowed to get the Hulk drunk to see if he can out drink Thor.

19) Thor is not a pretty princess even if he does have luscious locks of hair.

20) Asgardian mead is not a general anesthetic.

21) Paparazzi putting you on the spot is not a viable reason to break cover on a secret identity.

22) Bringing Steve to a rave is not introducing him to the future.

23) Despite the fact that the Iron Man suit is made of metal, Tony is not to tell people that he has buns of steel or to bite his shiny metal ass.

24) “Honest” curiosity is not to be used to get a teammate to pull down their pants and show you if they are blond/red/brunette/green all over.

25) Don’t tell people that Nick Fury winked at them just because you can only see the one eye blinking.

26) Nick Fury is not a pirate. Do not ask him about his booty.

27) We are not allowed to refer to Winter Soldier as “Bucky the vampire slayer”

28) SHIELD flying cars are not for racing the Iron Man suit.

29) We do not send Thor and Steve false mission briefings to convince them that they are too sexy for their shirts.

30) We also do not try to convince them to strut their stuff on a catwalk.

31) Even if he is trying to get back into art, Steve is not to convince everyone to strip for nude studies.

32) Teammates are not to be referred to as “Natasha’s bitches” in formal reports.

33) Walking with Steve is not the same as community service with the elderly.

34) We are not allowed to stage supervillain attacks to fulfill elaborate role play fantasies.

35) Do not call Nick Fury to propose an Avengers theme song in the middle of the night.